You would think that with all the preparing- mental, emotional, physical and such- that by the time baby arrived you would be ready for anything.
And for most things that runs true- poopy diapers, dropped suckies, crying fits, and more.
But when it comes to "what am I going to do now" it feels like such a hard question.
From as far back as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. In fact, I remember arguing with my parents that there was no reason for me to take out all those loans to be a doctor when all I wanted to do after I had a child was stay at home and raise him/her.
But I also loved to work. I have been working/going to school since forever. In high school I privately tutored. In college I worked for a tutoring agency and privately tutored. After college I worked as a teacher. In fact, doing something was such an ingrained part of my life that the first year after teaching I got a summer job. Four and half years ago I started working for the City.
The job was part time, and it fit my life pretty nicely. As my abilities became more apparent my responsibilities grew, but I still stayed part time. And I continued to work in my little office in the City. I loved what I did! It was the perfect balance of desk work, outreach, event planning, social services and working with children. If I could invent a job for me this would be it- but full time, with benefits, and a little more balance.
Sure, everyday wasn't wonderful. There were people I didn't like. There were projects I didn't like. I even needed a break from constantly being the person everyone went to for help. But over all it was good.
I got that full time job April 2012, and shortly after I found out that I was pregnant. And from that moment the life changes began. The biggest life decision I had to make was "what did I plan on doing after our baby was born?"
I knew I was going to take the 12 weeks of FMLA and I knew I wanted Jay home for some of it. But what do I do after? Do I still stay home even though I have this wonderful job? Do I go back to work and leave my kid in day care after we worked so hard to have him? Would part time be an answer? Day care is expensive, can we afford it with me working?
I thought and thought and thought about all those questions and more for 37 weeks of pregnancy, and then 12 weeks of FMLA.
I realized there was no perfect answer. And that you never know if what you chose was the right answer because you don't get a do over. But I knew I had to do what was best for my family and what was best for me.
I'm amazed at stay at home moms. There is so much that goes into staying at home that people take for granted. It's not as easy as some people imagine. There is always so much to do and a child who always needs you. Sometimes it's so easy to lose yourself. And yet, there are so many women who stay at home, do what they need to do, and maintain a sense of self.
I'm also amazed at working mothers. Moms who go to work all day after not sleeping well at night. Moms who do all the things needed at work and pumping if they need to. Moms who then come home and find time and energy to be with their baby.
The battle of both sides is never ending.
So after all that thinking, pros and cons lists, and trying to find myself and balance. I finally made a decision.
Today I resigned from my position at the City. I will be working as Kabir's mom for as long as it feels right.
I know I am fortunate to be in a position where we can do this. I also know that this isn't the end of the decision. I get to revisit this decision along the way and see if it's still the best decision for me and my family.
I look forward to see all that this journey holds for me, Kabir and Jay.
